One Year Home

It is hard to believe that one year ago today, I left Africa. I left the life I knew and grew to love. I left Malian and American friends that I had learned so much from! I don’t think that any two years of my life have ever impacted me, and changed the way I think, see, and live more than the two years I spent in Peace Corps. I remember watching an ad for Peace Corps , where a guy was walking around a city and everywhere he went we was talking about his Peace Corps experience, about chickens and donkeys waking him up every day, and things like that. I remember laughing, because I could relate to exactly what he was saying, but I never thought I would talk about Mali like that…turns out, I DO!! I may not talk constantly about it like that commercial but I can honestly say that I talk about Mali every single day! (and I’m sure I get really annoying to others!) There is just something about living in Africa that seeped into my heart and soul and created a longing to return. There is no way to really explain it; sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it make me happy. It makes me sad every time I do something and I think of my Malian friends who may never experience it. It makes me guilty every time I spend money on shoes, or clothes or an expensive cup of coffee and think of how much rice could have been bought or mouths that could have been fed with that money. I read the news of happenings in Mali and it breaks my heart and brings me to tears to think of the pain, heart ache, and confusion so many Malians are experiencing. There are some days that all I want to do is cry. But sometimes it makes me happy to think of all the fun things I did in Mali- all the stories I have- or all the fun times I had with other volunteers and how much I learned. It feels like a little kick in the heart every time I try to hand something to someone with my left hand, or when I see someone I haven’t seen in a long time the first thing that comes to mind to say is “ I ni fama!” or when I get the urge to carry things on my head or tie my niece to my back. Besides feeling happy or sad I feel most nostalgic, or homesick…a longing to walk down to the boutiki and greet everyone I see. I miss being able to cook in a mud hut, and sit on a tiny little wooden stool drinking hot hibiscus tea with Tenna. I wish I could go somewhere and be alone, yet totally taken care of by strangers. I miss taking bucket baths under the stars. I miss hearing the sound of pounding waking me up in the morning. I miss not having to worry about what time it is or if I am early or late. I miss eating mangos and have the juice drip clear to my elbows. I miss being part of a culture, even though I wasn’t really. I miss answering 100s of questions a day about Ameriki. I miss calling people bean eaters because they had a different last name. I miss dancing into the night to beat of drums! I could probably go on for days talking about all the things I miss! Most of all I miss Tenna, and all that she taught me! I miss going to her house every night, as the busy day of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids was done, and everything was quieting down, as we lay side by side on a plastic mat with the heat from the sun still radiating the ground beneath us; we would talk, tell stories, and sometimes just be. It was my favorite way to end every day and I would do anything to do it again someday! I know that everything I miss now was something, I am sure, that I complained about at one time or another, but isn’t that just the way we are? -Always wishing, and wanting something different? Now that I have been home for a year, I can’t help but feel that this is not where I am meant to be, something about it just doesn’t fit. Like being stuck in your favorite shirt, but it’s on backwards. I have a wonderful family, and life here but I have a calling to be elsewhere, doing, helping , serving… I have a Mali sized hole right in the middle of my heart that reaches clear to my soul. I am working on, pursuing and starting the process of filling that hole and I am excited to see where this next year takes me, and my heart!